


when i'm awake i can't switch off

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Kinda, M/M, Sad, cheating which i do NOT condone, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:13:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28638321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It was just lingering looks, and it was touching each others’ arms for way too long. It was stolen, heated kisses down the hallway at Will’s flat when the others were all playing Call of Duty in the next room. It was Alex thinking that their relationship was more than it was, and it was Alex being a fool.And then it was James distancing himself, James not joking with him how he used to, James not bothering to spend time with him anymore. James meeting his girlfriend.
Relationships: Alex Elmslie/James Marriott
Comments: 18
Kudos: 33
Collections: Anonymous





	when i'm awake i can't switch off

They’re in the kitchen. Alex burns in his own emotions and desire to run as he tries to distract himself from the fact that they haven’t been alone in a room together for about two years. He faces away, thinks of anything else as he looks for the cans of beer in the fridge, hidden away behind leftovers that James’s girlfriend must’ve put there last night. 

James doesn’t speak either. He’s making a cocktail, tall and back hunched ever so slightly so that he can fit under the low height of the cabinet. Alex doesn’t face him, but he knows that James is doing that thing where his mouth turns down slightly at one corner as he concentrates. It’s been years since he’s even looked at him for longer than a few seconds, but Alex will always remember his expressions like they’re the back of his hand. 

He hasn’t spoken to Alex alone in years, but they see each other every day. Will and George like him, they’re friends with him. Well, to be honest, they’re all friends, but Alex can’t bring himself to even look James in the eye after what happened. There’s something inherently painful about Alex having to spend most of his days with a person who couldn’t even tell him why.

There’s a clank, and Alex turns slightly to see that James has finished making his cocktail and turns around to leave the room. Music pumps, muffled, from the next room.

“Thanks for coming, Al,” He says, eyes almost bright but not enough. “It means a lot to me.”

Alex stares back at him, studies the hazel in his eyes and the shape of his lips like it’s the first time again, like it’s that sunny day in the flat when they first met. Like it’s James telling him that he’s even prettier in person. But it’s not, and it’s two cold years later and they’re practically strangers who knew too much about each other. And Alex still knows everything about him, but he doubts that James even knows his middle-name anymore. 

Alex cracks open a can and averts his gaze to stop him from feeling something for James again. “You’re welcome,” he mumbles quietly. “It’s a...” He almost feels like crying, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to be viewed as weak. “It’s a brilliant song. I’ve had it on repeat all day.” 

It’s been two years but he always thinks of James, because he was the first person that made him feel special. First person that kissed him like it actually meant something.

Alex watches James fight against an urge to say something, watches him struggle with unformed words on his tongue. But instead of saying them, James turns to the door. “Thanks, Alex.”

Alex is about to let it go, he’s about to let the final words slip into another two years where they’re so far apart that they’re not even strangers anymore. Just people who have never met.

“What were you going to say?” Alex blurts out, as James’s hand touches the handle of the door to leave. 

And when James turns back around, he’s so handsome and so striking in the centre of Alex’s vision that he wishes that he’d never asked. “It’s about you,” he says, then presses his lips together like he regrets it. “Y’know. The song.”

Alex doesn’t say anything for a long while, just lets his hands sag at his sides as his beer loses its fizz beside him on the counter. They’d never even said anything about it, because they hadn’t ever dated. It was just lingering looks, and it was touching each others’ arms for way too long. It was stolen, heated kisses down the hallway at Will’s flat when the others were all playing Call of Duty in the next room. It was Alex thinking that their relationship was more than it was, and it was Alex being a fool.

And then it was James distancing himself, James not joking with him how he used to, James not bothering to spend time with him anymore. James meeting his girlfriend.

"Fuck,” is all Alex finds himself saying with an exhale. Jaw tight, he catches James’s gaze. “In 2018, you...you broke my heart.” His jaw trembles with some sort of regret. “And I don’t think I’ve been whole since.”

The latter stands in the centre of the kitchen, a few feet from him. “I know,” James says. “I’m so fucking sorry, Alex.” Alex knows he means it, but it took him two years to even say it to him.

“Did I do something wrong?” Alex asks, fear lingering in his throat like he’s being choked to death, like there’s a knife against his lips. “That made me invisible to you?” 

“No, I--” James blurts out, hand coming to grip at Alex’s shoulder, a hand that he’s wanted there for too long. “You never did anything, please. I was just scared and I’m not... gay.”

Alex’s lip trembles and he’s almost angry, heart racing under his (George’s) hoodie. “You lead me on, and now you do this?” He can feel himself crying, and he’d sworn himself not to, but it doesn’t matter now, because they’re on his cheeks, soaking up his emotions like regret.

“I was fucking in love with you,” James says. “Do the lyrics not say it enough?”

Alex tries to regulate his breathing, blinks away tears that have fogged his vision beyond belief. “You should’ve told me.” 

“Please don’t cry,” James begs, and then he’s wrapping him up in his arms, all warm and safe and small, like he was when James actually cared about him. Alex feels sick. “I’m so fucking sorry, angel.”

James hasn’t called him angel in years. 

“Your girlfriend won’t like it,” Alex says through teary eyes. “That you wrote this song about me instead of her.”

James doesn’t say anything for a while, just grips Alex like he’s going somewhere. “Fuck, Alex, I do... still love you a bit,” he says. “I shouldn’t have written it.”

Alex breaks away from their embrace in a tumultuous pause. “Do you want her or me?” He cries. “Because I want answers.” He can almost feel himself being whisked away by James again, by his ability to make anyone feel special, make them feel like he cares.

Then James leans down, cups Alex’s face in one hand and presses their lips together like he’d been waiting for it, like it was what he wanted. Alex blinks slowly, and doesn’t move or say anything when James breaks away, lips too close to his own. 

“Just one more time,” James breathes against his jaw, hand skirting to Alex’s hip. The kitchen is silent, and Alex can hear music blaring from the lounge. “I just…”

“One more time,” Alex breathes, and James kisses him again, grips his waist like he always used to, presses him against the kitchen cabinet. Alex kisses back fervently, wraps his arms around James’s neck, arms looped around his shoulders. 

“My angel,” James murmurs into his skin, leaves a final kiss against his jaw. It’s finality, and Alex knows that it’s over.

Alex breaks away, eyes still red and watering. “We should stop,” he says quietly, tears spilling down his cheeks. “Your girlfriend is probably waiting for her cocktail.” He nods at the orange drink on the counter.

James looks regretful, and Alex hates that it hurts.

Guilt seeps through Alex’s veins as the horrible realisation that he’s kissed somebody who’s in a relationship fills him with regret. James looks at him with a face that he can’t place. James’s lips are pink too, cheeks red from their antics.

“I should go back to my flat,” Alex says, grabs his can of beer. “Thanks for inviting me,” he doesn’t even look at James as he grabs his coat from the chair it was flung on. 

“You’re welcome,” James says. They’re already strangers again.

Alex leaves the kitchen, wiping tears from his face as he pushes through the crowd, pushes towards the door. He can’t bear to be there for a second longer, in the red-hot presence of James and his new life. 

*

“Where’s Alex going?” Will asks, frowning at the retreating figure. “Is he going home?”

George takes a sip of his drink. “Probably. I reckon he’s just worked out that the song is about him.” 

“Fuck knows why James even invited him. Was a recipe for disaster,” Will says, and cracks open another beer. 

“I wasn’t gonna let him mope in the flat alone, was I?” George says, rolling his eyes. They both know well enough that if Alex is having a bad day, then the last thing he needs is to be on his own.

“Go after him,” Will says, nudges George’s arm as he watches Alex slide out of the door without saying goodbye to anyone. “Cheer him up or something, G. I’ll stay to support James.”

After George leaves, Will sits on his own for a while and watches as James gets up on a table, too drunk for his own good, and says thank you to everyone for coming to the single launch. Will watches as James pulls his girlfriend up onto the table with him and kisses the life out of her as everybody claps and cheers. 

Will’s just glad that Alex didn’t stay long enough to see that. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :) putting this in anon bc it's only a short fic and i want my main acc to be the longer ones

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [it isn't the same but it's enough](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28722648) by [centaurora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/centaurora/pseuds/centaurora)




End file.
